What is exactly negotiation?

There are obviously an infinity of definitions that can give meaning to these words, often with vague ideas and misconceptions, so I think it is better to begin with something simple: negotiation is the action of finding a good exchange of services, products or something valuable between two or more people.

So, negotiation is not manipulation (at least not in an disrespectful way), it is quite the opposite, a respectful, but decisive way to get something. We negotiate all the time (when asking for a higher grade score, for a higher salary, to watch one movie over the another…) but most of us are actually really bad at it. We often only worry about our own desires and arguments, we fail to empathize and see the world through our counterpart eyes and, as we will see throughout this article, we need to inhabit their world, so we can show we care and ultimately -the sweetest reward to the Machiavelic readers- get them to do or give us what we want.

Why negotiation is not evil

If you have read the last paragraph and felt like you are doing something wrong, do not worry, it is a normal reaction. Our generation (and many others) were marked by deep thoughts of selflessness, we see our heroes flying with and without capes, showing us that we are capable of changing the world through peace, communication and strength.

In the other part, we often see businessman and politicians as selfish pieces of shit. They steal our money and make us miserable by their desires, they modify the world through cunning, deceit and manipulation.

Both of these interpretations of reality are childlike. We need to be an anti hero, someone that is capable of using unorthodox means to get what he wants, but seeking also a greater good. Trying to be to good will only get you frustrated and powerless, trying to only care for you will make you weaker and a parasite of society. You need both, you need to take and to give. The ability to be at one of the extremes is not effective and often will take you a lifetime just to get there.

When you are negotiating, at least not in the way I am going to talk here you are not being cruel nor disrespectful, you are being honest and compassionate, not only because they are good, but also because they work.

Why you need to negotiate

Because this will help you to survive. If you are too selfless or too selfish you will get nowhere, these 2 opposing ways of life are surprisingly akin: most of the people in the world do not understand nothing about them. We believe we do, but only through our foreign perspective: to really comprehend how someone lives we must live like them.

This failure of society to understand people in the fringes makes them vulnerable to solitude. They may be strong, but they cannot thrive as easily as us because our reality (our human, subjective and invented reality) does not take them into consideration. There are not enough persons to make their inclusion in society worth the effort. To survive, we must be both. Good news! You most probably already are.

And as you are blessed with the power of being average you have the countless privileges that society has built through its eras. Capitalism, as an ideology as much as a system gives the sweetest fruits to those who learn to play under its game. Negotiation is a skill that benefits you regardless of your socioeconomic situation, it is a dominant strategy.

Social benefits

But these benefits do not cease to appear in the economic niche, they rather expand and become more vigorous, complex and interesting in our social lives. All of our social interactions can be reduced and simplified to trades.

Parents trade their time and resources to allow for the proliferation of their genes, partners trade their liberty to gain security, love and order, children trade their toys so they can play with more toys. Even our smiles, favors and compliments are nonconscious actions that we do expecting something. Nothing, absolutely nothing in this world comes without a cost.

When we recognize these trades, the thought of getting more comes subsequently. We can hack our interactions, we can seek to make more efficient the process of exchange; being rewarded by having more doing less.

The next time you want something I hope you can put your negotiation glasses and perceive all the variables that get people from point A to point B. So with practice and experience you can begin to use them as levers to get to your goals, but also giving your counterpart something that will leave them with a good taste in his mouth.

In the next article I will talk of actionable steps to get better at negotiation, the current article was intended for showing you what you could be getting. Nonetheless I want you, dear reader, to try something: the next time you are negotiating try to just shut your mouth, focus on listen intently, leave the another person talk while you mention briefly what you want. Tell me what happens.

You will probably realize that they will be in a much more relaxed state of mind, they probably will give you what you want directly. Try it yourself, is a good first step.

If you have any comment please be free to say it. Thank you so much, dear reader. Without nothing else to say, I leave.