Introduction

Welcome! This post will be different from the things I am used to write, this will not be advice, at least not positive, obvious advice, it will be rather a ramble of my current situation and what are my thoughts about caring another people. I will definitely put some advice, but I warn you that it has a serious chance of being very toxic. I actually want a whole series of toxic advice; things that I know work and can be beneficial to the well being of yourself and other people but that the unorthodox words and arguments make it feel like it is wrong -even if it is not clear why.

I like the idea of toxic advice because most of the times I think about it I just realize how many different paths there are for any solution, but more strikingly important, how there are many hidden ideas that rule our lives and their jealous nature. They do not care if this innovative ideas are probably right, they just want to keep their comfortable, high status in the unconscious psyche.

Because I know I have an immense chance of saying something foolish I truly want to hear your opinion in these regards, even more than usual.

Why you should not save anyone

Jordan Peterson in his book 12 rules for life states the idea of delivering rewards and punishment to change other people behavior, mostly in the context of parenting, explaining how the well being of your children justifies the struggle you both will suffer during this process of growth. (I want to clear out that I not saying Jordan Peterson is wrong or that he advices we do these things, his example just came to mind when I was writing this).

I do not have kids but I have tried this on people around me and also been subjected to similar strategies who wish to change my behavior and my experience has said declared very clearly to me, that this is immensely inefficient.

Yes, you can certainly influence other people behavior by reward and punishment, but it requires a lot of concerted effort and complexity. You have not only to observe the person with extreme carefulness you also require the arrogance or superior experience to ensure you are actually doing a good and not a bad correction.

People are very difficult to change, even with all the effort and resources you cannot simply dominate a persons mind. As the stoics clearly stated, our inner citadel is truly impenetrable; the power to exclude or protect our ideas is that strong that even in our modern world, with all the technology and knowledge we have, we are not yet capable of doing a direct attack to our psyche. Convincing someone is maybe the quintessential definition of the longest way around is the shortest way home.

Because the true path to changing someone is such long and tiring journey then why we do even bother? Even if it is the person we love, even if their ideas are obviously destructive, why pass that suffering for another person? Believing we can save another person from the misery she has commanded for herself is not compassion, is condescendence.

Just think about it. The idea of saving someone implicitly communicates that you believe you are in a better position than the other person, than you can get him out of its misery, out of his weakness and out of his demons. You believe you are right, you are so sure of it that you do not even stop to think if first, he needs or even wants your help, and second, if he is actually wrong.

We have a vast history of people literally killing each other for things that are not wrong. Race, gender, color of your skin, nationality, religion… you name it, there is more evidence of us misconstruing malice than of us being compassionate and caring.

Every person is a world by itself. The complexity of the most boring human being can be enough to fill centenars of books. We have never meet a single person completely, not even the whole humanity can, Christ is an example of it.

As the same way is foolish to try to change mother nature to our desires -like making a vegetarian lion- it is foolish to think that the people around us should, and even worse of idea, need to be saved by us. The path to truly help someone has to begin with her. The other person must chose from his own will that he wants to change and that he would appreciate your help.

Think it this way: which person is more apt to carry his own weight, himself or you? Compare a run of you moving with your friend carried in your back and him just running, which case is more plausible to finish first?.

By letting other people decide and take care of their own problems you do not only help them, you also make them more confident, more capable and more willing to ask for advice once they actually apprehend what they need. Sometimes giving your support it is much more than enough.

Conclusion

It is very easy to desire to be the hero -to being the one who goes and saves everyone of their tragic destinies and to be loved afterward- but as many things in life, those things that come easy are worthless. Rather than wishing someone would listen to your superior knowledge, tactics or wisdom why not try to be something realistic and positive, like a friend?

You would realize how people actually improve by themselves when you stop treating them like lost pups and you rather see them as your peers. Sometimes, just some hours of listening are enough, if you truly want to help them shut up, wait a little, make sure you know what they mean (mirroring or summarizing what they say is extremely effective. Google these concepts if you do not know them) and then try to find a solution together.

Listening in this way is a skill. Practice it, go find one person that you truly care about and invite him to a relative quiet place when you can talk, for example your local park.

Silly section

When I was writing about superheroes it came to mind when Mr. Incredible saved someone from suicide and the saved person sued him. “You did not saved my life, you ruined my death” is a fictitious but truly powerful example that you cannot always assume what other people want, even if it is a deep, biological and strong need like the preservation of your life.

Here is the clip if you do not what I am talking about.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YNtK24hit84

Also when thinking if someone needs help think about spotting in weightlifting. A good spotter does not put her hand in the bar, she just stays there if you fail the lift. You get stronger, she gives you support. I cannot think of a more direct and poetic way to help someone.

Without nothing more to say, goodbye.

Photo by Jackson David on Unsplash