Dedicated to: Elena

Introduction.

Today an idea has struck me like a lightning: gratitude is the solution to victimhood. Of all the strategies there are for accepting life, I cannot think of some that is stronger than simply being grateful.

This solution goes deep to the roots and eliminates the problem directly because it is literally the opposite of being a victim: you cannot think of yourself as unfortunate when you articulate explicitly all of the forms in which you are indeed fortunate.

As simple as it may seem, I think there is much more that I cannot currently see, I feel like I am in an epiphany of wisdom, just like when Viktor Frankl understood that love is the ultimate form of meaning when he was walking shoeless through snow. I think there is a big difference between accepting something as a fact and truly understanding what something means.

Exchange.

An interesting fact of how our bodies and minds interact through reality is that we actually do not see ourselves (or at least it used to be like that) as separate entities from nature.

Just like a dog barks when you step close to the door he recognizes as his territory but suddenly calms when the door opens, we in many ways believe that something we possess is literally a part of us. This has been proven by much empirical and scientific research, being the work of Daniel Kahneman the ones that more vividly appear in my mind.

In conjunction with Amos Tversky, Kahneman created the prospect theory, which states that there are subjective factors in logical decisions, particularly regarding wins and losses. To be straightforward, losses hurt much more than wins.

A possible cause of this is that our survival instincts evolved in an environment when resources were scarce, winning or having was not as easier as it was now -especially in terms like sex, social connections, social status and food- so it made perfect sense to hold and even clench whatever we had; there were no promises of a better future, you had what you had, the present was essential.

We still have these instincts, we cannot help it, we just can learn to use them to our benefit or learn to override them, but they always will be. Both answers, to me, are correct, but I think that learning to use our nature in our favor is overall a better skill than learning extreme self-control and restraint.

I argue that this same loss aversion is one of the causes of why it is so hard to change. We feel like we are losing –job opportunities, romantic partners, money…– so we resist the change and we complain about it.

We also get caught in the permanent cycle of a false present. Our feelings and the sensations they bring are actually quite fleeting, but we extend their effects longer, we refuse to abandon this resentment and pain and trick ourselves believing that the problems that caused sorrow back then are still pertinent. In the search of not committing the “same” mistake we decide to carry with the same cross. If our unconscious could talk he could probably say “In order to protect myself I will always bear the same pain so I never forget how it feels.”

When we decide to change the perspective of our problems as losses and presents to see them as an exchange, something beautiful happens. Gratitude works because it is a contradiction of victimhood. To exchange your unnecessary suffering you begin by exchanging your perception.

Accepting any change implicitly means that we must release in order to obtain, it is an exchange, a trade. As I said in the introduction, you cannot be cursed and blessed at the same time. There is the possibility of many combinations in which a gift can be a detriment and vice versa, but they exclude each other in their existence of time. As life and death, the opposites can be in close contact, but they will never be the same.

When we feel grateful for what happens to us we immediately make our life easier. We expect nothing from what life already is, we do not need to seek our build a paradise because we have recognized reality as one. All of our losses go through a metamorphosis, they are now something that benefit us, challenges designed to make us stronger, smarter, wiser and more resilient.

We are transforming the misery life gives us to something valuable. If we use trash to create art then we do not have to worry about shortage no more. We learn and build upon the past, not to be hostages of nostalgia, but to remember all the trouble that we encountered back then. We visualize and crave the future, not to daydream of its ideal, but to recognize its opportunities.

More importantly we do not lose sight of what is in front of us, we do not get lost through the traps of abstract time. When we build, we get many benefits, we start consolidating the knowledge of the past, we influence a better future and we begin to exist. We return to the wisdom of being present, a real present.

And if we go beyond being grateful, but actually loving our fate, we get wiser. One of the biggest contributions Nietzsche made to humanity was just this; love fati –To want nothing to be different, but rather love it.

Honor your father and your mother.

There is a biblical quote in “Man’s search of meaning” that really resonated with me. When Viktor Frankl was ready to scape from the upcoming Nazi invasion he encountered an old carved rock in which the fifth command (Honor your father and your mother…) was written, this was the cause that Viktor did not leaved his fathers and he then encountered his way through Auschwitz.

The entire quote in his international version is “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.” I have been repeatedly thinking about his quote and his meaning, and even if I am not completely sure what it means I sure have a subjective meaning that has helped me visualize gratitude in a different way.

First, I have thought about gratitude toward others. The first social group we belong to, from the birth to our death is family. It is a permanent belonging, you simply cannot run away from your blood –as the history of king Arthur or Oedipus symbolically represents. You are both a consequence and a cause at the same time, you will continue the history written by your parents and your sons will continue yours, the only being that is allowed the privilege of existing without cause is God.

Your upbringing will shape your body and your mind for the rest of your life, a bad foundation results in a trembling being, but as you cannot choose your parents you surely can influence them while they are still alive. Honoring someone in this perspective is synonymous with being grateful, of returning some of the gifts your parents gave you by the sublime act of conceding your liveness. Quite literally some mothers die by giving life.

But it also may mean a death threat. As it may denote a direct cause and effect “honor your father and your mother or your days will not be long, for them not being willing to take care of you or for them directly taking away your life”.

Either way, gratitude is the solution to both meanings. I indeed believe that this command actually was meant to solve these two (and maybe other) possibilities –as the ancients were well accustomed to condensing a lot of wisdom in the fewest words possible.

Gratitude makes us more socially desirable while protecting us from the egos of those close to us. It is a noble act that also ensures our capacity for survival. Gratitude literally keeps us alive, from the dangers of our mind and his guilt, and from the people out there.

Conclusion.

I happened to have a life full of victimhood, resentment and hatred to those around me, that caused me to hurt other people indeed, but mostly myself. My gratitude is born from the craving of calm, but that does not mean it is evil or less authentic, it only means that it is a light that was borned from the underground.

And the birth of my gratitude is indeed a living proof that it works. I could not write this post nor begin to say thank you to those people around me without actually losing someone. There are people who learn from other people’s mistakes –as the legend goes– nonetheless I am not one of them.

Thank you so much Elena, for being both my salvation and destruction. The seed of what is coming is at least partially yours. Happy Birthday.

Photo by Marcos Paulo Prado on Unsplash